Back to TOPSPURS home




In the beginning…

1886: Gooner Stench. Formed from leftovers and crap in South Londona good 4 years after Spurs we born, Dial Square as they were originally known played their first match on a field with an open sewer running through the middle – the stench remains an integral part of them to this day

1887: Early end. After being battered 2-1 in the first match between Spurs and Arsenal, Arsenal cried to the ref to get the game abandoned with 15 minutes to play, which it was – although Spurs were the moral winners, and have been ever since.
1913: INVASION OF NORTH LONDON. Henry Norris was a west london real estate agent who dreamed of challenging the dominance of Northern and midlands clubs in the English League early in the last century. Norris, who later became mayor of Fulham, a Conservative member of parliament and earned a knighthood as well as a lifetime ban from soccer, believed that if he merged ailing Woolwich Arsenal of south London with Fulham in west London his dream of a London super-club could take shape. But the League blocked his proposals, so he cut his ties with Fulham, gambled all on Arsenal, a terrible personal finance move, and moved them across the RiverThames and north to the wide-open spaces of Highbury. The only trouble with this plan was that the new stadium was close to the established homes of Tottenham three miles north and Clapton Orient, two miles east. Despite Spurs and Orient's protests, the League was powerless to prevent the move and in 1913 the North London rivalry between Arsenal-Spurs began. If Tottenham were upset about Arsenal moving on to their doorstep, they had even more reason to be angry six years later, for Sir Henry wasn't finished with Spurs.

1919: Get Spurs relegated and Arsenal promoted from 6th position - In 1915, when Football ended because of World War One, Chelsea and Spurs had finished bottom of the first division and Arsenal were sixth in Division two. The League planned to expand the first division by two clubs and precedent dictated that the two bottom clubs would stay up and the top two in the second division would join them. Sir Henry had other ideas. To this day the details of exactly what occurred at the league's meeting in March 1919 remains a mystery, but by the end of the day, Arsenal had been voted into the first division and Spurs voted out. Arsenal have never been out of the top flight since.

1919: Parrot Killers - Spurs embarked on a tour of South America (Argentina & Uruguay) in 1909. The boat journey either way to Argentina was fairly long. One of the distractions provided for the passengers on the way home was a fancy dress competition. It was actually won by two of the Spurs' players dressed as Robinson Crusoe and Man Friday. The ship had a parrot and they had borrowed it as one of their props. As a result the parrot was presented to the club (or the two players) by the ship's captain. And yes it isclaimed that the bird died on the day the dirty deed took place in 1919, which saw Arsenal replace Spurs in the first division. It has been suggested in some quarters that this was the origin of the phrase "as sick as a parrot"! Add Parrot murderers to their list of crimes

1923: Get Gillespie Road station renamed - The Gooner scum also managed to get Gillespie Road station renamed to Arsen*l station by some dodgy dealings with London Transport and the local council. A wrong that should be righted as soon as they move to their unconverted rubbish dump at Ashburton Grove.

1924: Druggie cheatsMore tales of Gooners up to no good with manager Leslie Knighton admitting giving performance enhancing drugs to his shit players during their unsuccessful 1924 FA Cup run.

1927: Help Spurs get relegated – Rumours that they did not play their best in certain matches to ensure Spurs were relegated

1929: Justice for the First of the Gooners - Henry Norris – a lifetime ban from Football – too little too late - Sir Henry got his come-uppance. In 1929 the FA banned him from soccer because he constantly flouted their rules and was also suspected of making illegal payments to players. A year after he was banned, Arsenal won the FA Cup for the first time and in 1931 became the first London side to win the Championship. Tottenham, meanwhile, spent most of the 1930s in the second division -- their glory days still in the future

1929: Herbert’s Legacy – Ex Spur Herbert Chapman managed to get some of the Spurs Lilywhite into their kit by making the sleeves white – but his other efforts to weaken Arsenal failed as they won the league a couple of times under his control
1968: Bob Wilson – Oriental spy
1971: George Graham - claimed a goal in some cup final or other that he blatantly did not get anywhere near to touching
1974: Don Howe – Criminally Insane individual

1979: Alan Sunderland - "and you're just a murderer, Sunderland"
1979: Peter Story - jail for running a brothel
1980: Peter Story - jail again, this time for counterfeit gold coins
1981: Kenny Sansom – played for England
1987: Paul Vassen - Drug stuff

1988: Paul Davis - breaking Glenn Cockerill's jaw during a first division game

1989: Paul Merson and Steve Bould are "disciplined by Arsenal" after late night incident at sponsor's function.
1989: Arsenal are fined 20,000 by FA for part in brawl during game against Norwich
1990: Peter Story - jail again - this time for porn smuggling conviction
1990: Merson, Groves, Winterburn & Richardsonsent home from club tour of Singapore following another alleged "late night incident".
1990: Arsenal fined 50,000 by FA and docked two points after Old Trafford brawl. The Club in turn fined manager George Graham two weeks wages after holding him responsible for lack of discipline on the field.
1990: Tony Adams - Jailed on drunk-driving charges.
1991: Paul Merson, Ian Wright and David Seaman charged by FA with misconduct after incidents at end of first division match at Oldham.
1982: Lee Dixon – played for England, and even Adams used to sing “if Dixon plays for England so could I” to him in training
1993: Andy Linaghan makes anti Semitic remarks to Jewish Taxi driver
1993: Ian Wright banned for three games after FA commission upheld charge that he had directed a punch at Tottenham's David Howells during game at White Hart Lane. Commission also fine George Graham500 for improper remarks to referee Alf Bush after same match.
1994: Paul Merson, probably for a bet or when he was pissed, was sent to drug addiction clinic
1994: David Seamen dumped his Mrs and Kids for some floozy
1994: George Graham's 430,000 bungs first reported
1995: Ray Parlour arrested after punch-up with Hong Kong taxi-driver on a club tour
1995: Graham found guilty by FA inquiry and banned from football for 12 months.
1995: David Hillier charged by police for credit card and luggage theft at airport.
1996: Donkey Adams confesses to his teammates that he is an alcoholic (and then puts his arm round them telling them they are his best mate).
1996: Nigel Winterburn under investigation by the FA after the police reported him to match officials for making inflammatory gestures towards rival supporters in the wheelchair section
1996: Ian Wright (again) on an FA Misconduct charge for calling Sheffield Wednesday manager David Pleat a pervert.
1996: Arsenal players involved in half-time scuffle with Coventry players in the tunnel & Ian Wright smashes and badly breaks Coventrygoalkeeper Steve Ogrizivic's nose
1996. Unfounded & completely untrue rumours circulated about Arsene Wenger being a paedophile! which he most certainly is not.
1998: From the repulsive JVC, they are now sponsored by the Italian word for Wank, Sega. Apparently “Arsenal” means something disgusting in most languages
1998: Dutch winger Glenn Helder attempted suicide after becoming a compulsive gambler whilst at Scumbury
1999: Despite "New" Arsenal, they still have the worst disciplinary record in the league
1999: Ian Wright Chicken tonight advert
1999: Graham Rix  - Old Gooner instincts die hard, as he joins the rest of his former team mates inside for a spot of under age sex

1999: Sheffield United in the Cup scandal  - Typical example of their cheating ethos. It was the 5th round, it was 1-1. A Sheff United striker had gone down after a Grimandi challenge and the ball was cleared, eventually coming through to the United keeper and, as Bergkamp closed in, the keeper cleared into touch so his team-mate could receive treatment. There followed a break while the United man got treatment, and was substituted. Parlour then took the throw, but rather than give it back to United, as almost all honourable sportsmen will do, he threw it to Kanu who passed it to Overmars who scored the winner. Evil and wicked

2000: Patrick Vieira sent off twice in the space of 2 games for violent conduct.
2000: Arsene Wenger charged with charged with threatening behaviour and physical intimidation of fourth official Paul Taylor
2001: Ray Parlour illegal parking of a caravan
2001: Monkey Keown assault charge during a game with Leeds
2001: Vieira sent off to 8th time – although to be fair he was having a go at Dennis Wise
2001: Silvinho sold for possessing too much flair, Stepanovs, Grimandi, Luzhny breathe a sigh of relief
2001: Monkey Keown pretends to be elbowed to get Hasselbaink sent off
2001: Vieira - cheats to win a penalty against Shalke

2001: Gooner Bin Laden – The world most wanted man is revealed as a Gooner

2001: Pires – caught spitting at Kevin Muscat during a France match

2001: Planning permission for New Scumbury Years after the Gillespie Road station naming fiasco, the Goons are in league with Islington Council to get planning permission to move to the council rubbish dump. No hint of wrong doing at all as the stadium gets the go-ahead despite:

-         Safety concerns at the North end of the complex,

-         Real jobs replaced by McJobs as 1,000’s of jobs at risk as the incumbent business have to move

-         Transportation problems already present on match days to double with the increased capacity (assuming they can fill it)

-         SSSI Gillespie Park to be ruined by Bovine Goons going too and from the match.

2002: Goon Prince – Well known Goon Prince Harold has done his level best to make the rest of the goons proud of him by having an underage drink & drugs problem. All he needs now is to develop a gambling problem (which should not be too difficult considering him relatives) and he’ll be a ringer for a young Merson.

2002: Ticket investigation – Parlour was at the centre of an investigation as to how his complimentary tickets ended up in the hands of touts. Police were alerted by the increased number of caravans within the vicinity of the stadium.

2002: Mockney Twat – Jamie Oliver confirmed as a Gooner – all those people you really hated – all goons, the lot of em!

2002: Puddin' Alert – Semen lets England down against Brazil in the World Cup

2002: Start as you mean to go on – Diving Ashley Cole gets a Birmingham player sent off. Goons win against 10 men
2002: Puddin’ Alert (2) – Semen & RSol lets England down against Macedonia in the European Championships

2002: Start as you mean to go on (2) – Diving Ashley Cole gets Davies sent off at Scumbury
2003: Reg Hollis – Serially Dull TV copper admits he is a goon to no-one’s surprise

2003: Prostitute Pennant – Step mum of young goon is a 60 hooker according to the People newspaper

2003: Beast is a Gooner – One of the ugliest women ever to lumber around the planet, Eastenders Sonia Jackson has admitted she is goon which is hardly surprising.

2003: Sex offender Goon – Goon youth team player Marcus Artry jailed for 9 years for sex attacks, inc on minors

2004: Sad Man – Record new signing Reyes declares “I am the saddest man” on hearing he is going to be a Goon and tries to fit in by scoring a spectacular own goal Dixon would be proud of to knock the Goons out of the League Cup in his first game

2004: Cheating Goons and the non penalty – For the first time in history a referee changes a decision because of player protests and it comes as no surprise to see that the goons are the beneficiaries against Fulham

2004: Graham Stack on Rape charge – Another Goon in trouble with the old bill

2005: Reyes and the bad men – Less than a year after joining, Reyes is duped into revealing his desperation to leave Arsenal because of all the “bad men” in a radio wind up.
2005: Pennant banged up – More goons in trouble, this time Jermaine Pennant is locked up for three months for the age old Scumbury tradition of drink driving & crashing motors
2005: Saint Ashley – After the Goons got away with the whole tapping up inquiry as the victims with no one mentioning RSol and his defection, poor old Ashley Cole, England’s worst left back since Winterburn and Sansom, decided to sell his story to the press - but only on the condition that he gets to wear and keep a Prada suit for free, along with a fee for the interview - all on top of his 50k a week salary. In the midst of all this wealth and pampering, Cole did find time to wear a "make poverty history" wristband - so that's ok then
2005: Another day... another set of allegations of rape and murder from the ranks of Scumbury. First Robin Van Persie has a night in the Rotterdamslammer after a rape allegation and former Goon Davor "Cock" Suker has his collar felt related to the murder of his former business partner

2006: Nasty German... poor man’s Oliver Kahn, Jan Lehmann gets a visit from Northern Old Bill after he allegedly kicks a bottle at prawn sarnie chomping Man U fans

2006: “Arsenal support Apartheid” reads the Guardian Headline. Arsenal have reportedly signed a deal to promote Israel, a country which denies Palestinians human rights (including allowing Palestinian footballers to attend world cup qualifiers) and is illegally occupying Palestinian territory. It goes against the very principles of anti-racism which it notionally supports through 'Kick Racism Out of Football Campaign'. Wenger is in a glass-house when he accuses Pardew of racism.

2006: More racism. This time its Van Persie racially abusing Manchester City defender David Sommeil

2006: Dodgy. Spurs forced to play the Champions League play decider with an ill side

2007: More Dodgy. Lots of dodgy goings on as Arsenal comeback to beat Wigan with an offside goal set up by a player who should have been red carded for a penalty Wigan were not given when 1-0 up

2007: The curse of David Hillier. The OB report that crime has doubled or something in the area since Arsenal’s new stadium move

2007: Brass rubbing. "Arsenal ace in 6-hooker hotel party" - Page 15 of the Sun. Rosicky 


....the Bentner file...

May 2009: Arsenal flop Bentner “ stumbled out a London nightclub with his jeans around his ankles”

Sept 2009: Arsenal misfit Bentner “Stripped down to his underwear after a high-speed crash in which he was fortunate to escape with his life”

Sept 2011: Another visit from Mr Plod for Bentner after a late night incident at the Gateshead Hilton

Dec 2011: During loan spell at Sunderland, Bentner  arrested for allegedly going on a 4,000 car-wrecking spree with Lee Cattermole. The charges were later dropped.

2011: Pack of ‘sweets’ and a cheeky smile. Wenger denies giving dodgy drugs to Arsenal players click here

2011: Once a Goon ... Our old pal Davor "Cock" Suker is at it again ... he sent a pal off to an antique dealer with a bag of ancient gold coins, which turned nasty when the shutters went down and the old bill arrived with flashing blue lights. It turns out our man, who bore an uncanny resemblance to Russ Abbot in his playing days, had nicked them from a seat pocket on a BA flight but plod were already on the case and had warned all the antique dealers. The dim goon got an 8000 Euro fine and joins Peter Storey in the dodgy coin category.

June 2012: Fined 80,000 and banned for one match after pulling down his shorts to reveal Paddy Power-branded underwear in a stupid publicity stunt while playing for Denmark at the European Championships in 2012.

March 2013: Banned from driving for three years and fined 100,000 for being over the legal drink-drive limit after he was spotted by police in Copenhagen driving against the traffic. Hit with a six-month playing ban by Denmark.

Nov 2013: Goal shy striker Bentner arrested on suspicion of criminal damage at his luxury apartment block.

Nov 2013: More Bentner Bananas as caught on camera drunkenly begging for free pizza click here

2013: Offensive Gesture. Quintessential graceless Goon Wilshire banned for giving middle finger to City Fans

2014: Bad chat up line from Wilshire leads to bird’s Broken Elbow. Click here

2014: Podolski. Second rate striker Podolski claims he would rather retire than play for Spurs, all this despite giving up the chance to play for the nation of his birth to play for the nation which tried to destroy it

2014: Quenelle. Former Goons Anelka & Nasri associated with the "quenelle" gesture

2015: Retro Goon. Having stolen our footballing clothes to some extent in the frustratingly long Wenger dynasty, it is good to know the old skool goonerspirit is still alive with Paul Merson, who rekindled memories of the early britpop era by crashing his car on the M40 with inspector plod feeling his collar regarding the possibility of drink driving. Just like the majority of his predictions, earlier that evening Merson had predicted he’d get him safely



More as it comes in....











& Right click (and save as target, takes about 15 seconds) to download THE OFFICIAL TOPSPURS GOONER CALENDAR 2003

(Please note this page is for amusement only and while most of the events are accurate, some might not be true)