TOPSPURS Columnist

THE CRACKERS VIEW

Last Updated: Sunday, 29 June 2003, 12:09 AM

Contact Crackers: theyids@hotmail.com

THE TOPSPURS COLUMNISTS

It really was that poor and much work is still to be done at the lane, and it would seem that the work is beginning. The season just gone has seen us start a major clear out of the crap (Sherwood, Rebrov, freund) and the too old (Sherringham, Ferdinand).

But the root and branch work has to continue to see us at least get back to top six, and the chance for us fans to line stellios’s pockets with trips to see Legia trousers, Sporting Lesbian, and the like in the EUFA Cup.

As for Champions league well I think that is still years off yet, but we do need to start making steps towards the day Big Ron is ‘bigging up’ Chris Perry nutmegging Zidane at the Lane.

A start has hopefully been made with the signing of Postiga from Porto, a 20 year old Portuguese International striker.

He certainly looks potentially world class, but then they said this about Iversen, when he first came, and we signed Rebrov when he was top scorer in the Champs League (although I always argued that many of his goals came in CL qualifiers against crap).

However this has to be the first of many signings just for us to stand still, due to the amount of players we have got shot of. We need at least one more striker (Zamora, Kanoute, Heskey have all been linked), some steel in the midfield (Parker, Healey), cover for Ziege (don’t know what happened to our tracking of Bortolini of Real Madrid) and a defender to release King into the midfield.

Something tells me we wont get all that, but that’s what’s needed, so put your skis away Danny, you and Mr Kemsley have got plenty of work to do.

So should we do well this transfer window, we still have one problem and that is the gaffer.

These new boys have got to play under a boss who still baffles me with his tactics, and damn right makes me angry with his poor man management. I understand that he has been given a bit of a talking to with regard to his performance so far, and hopefully this will be the catalyst for a change in Hoddle’s style and at least we may see some of our very good youth given a chance (Blondel, Marney, Slabber Iffel etc etc). But don’t bank on it, as another of Hoddle’s traits is stubbornness.

Anyway enough of this Premier league level football crap the big news is the Topspurs versus The Wallyboard game is on!! (for those of you that don’t know the wallyboard is the spurs.co.uk message board).

A tangible ‘them and us’ has developed between the respective boards (well that’s spurs fans for you ehh) and this has manifested into a football match to be played on August 10^th…….. probably.

The wallyboard perceives the topspurs board to be cliquey and full of ex and current hooligans, and with perceptions like this you can now see why we perceive them as, well wallies!!!

I have managed to secure the job of topspurs manager for the game simply because I will play a baffling 3-5-2 formation for about 60 minutes and then 4-4-2 for the last thirty, when its too late!!

I also have a penchant for tucking my strides into my almonds and standing on the touchline making weird and wonderful formation instructions with my index fingers!

As part of our preparation for the game I have managed to secure a training session with former Spurs HERO, Gary Brooke and when we win the game I have also arranged a night out for the lads with Kelly Brooke (okay so the last one was a lie)

I have spoken to Gary on the phone and this training session was arranged through a mutual friend of Gary’s and I. I am really thrilled that he has agreed to do this for us and would like to express me gratitude through this column. Gary was part of a golden era at spurs for me that being the early eighties F.A cup winning squad. They were MY first Spurs hero’s as that was the team that I saw my first Spurs trophy lifted through, and they will always have a special place in my heart. (oh god I think I’ve turned into a Clintons card greeting!!)

Finally I would like to take this opportunity to explain to the wallyboard in nice plain English, that all the banter and mud slinging that is taking place over this upcoming game is nothing more than friendly banter and a bit of leg pulling to inject some hype.

Anybody interpreting the posturing taking place on the respective message boards as anything else is very much mistaken and should really be looking to put their clowns suit on and join the circus.

Well that said I now look forward to beating the wallyboard so badly, that they can never switch their computer on again.

So just for you Mr John Bray, I’ll attempt to put some coherent thoughts together on the current situation at HMS Tottenham.

I’ll start with the one I have the most contempt for and that’s the errr ‘newspaper’ The Sun

The newspapers of this country have a deep dislike of all things Hoddle due to the fact that he gave them no time when he was England manager. And now it’s pay back time.

First off The Sun wheels out Neil Ruddock. Of course he’ll give an unbiased opinion on the current situation at Spurs. Here is an excuse of a man that is so spineless, that he had to get his Wife to go and demonstrate outside Sugar’s house when things went the shape of a pear for him at Spurs.

“Oh please go and speak on my behalf dear, I’m frightened that nasty old Alan might go on telly and sling my club shirt at the interviewer and say “I wouldn’t wash my car with this” like he did with Jurgen’s shirt”

Don’t worry Razor my old son; he did make use of your shirt when it came to automobiles. Sugar used it as a full winter cover for his 20 foot long Bentley.

Ruddock what the fuck are you doing commenting (or if the truth’s known it was probably your Wife commenting) in The Sun?

You’re a two bob fat has been, scratching out a living playing for non league teams, squeezing into tops and shorts to turn out for a couple of quid.

And if you don’t like what I’ve written, my e mail address is at the top of the page. Get your Wife to e mail me with her, sorry your complaint (threats of violence will be more than gratefully received, they would make great reading on my column, thanks)…..

“I’m being frozen out a Spurs” he moaned to the News of the world “I’m good enough to make this team”

Sherwood spoke out of turn and was released by the club. No worries for Sherwood, according to Sherwood, Sherwood is quality….. The only takers for him were Portsmouth.

Your club is getting monstered in the press. This woman that you are marrying soon, I do hope she’s Ruddock’s sister in law, we might then get some sort of defence going!

In all seriousness Danny boy has got this spot on, why bother defending the club against things being said in The Sun.

If you read The Sun and believe what it has to say then in my humble opinion you are a prick, and Levy is spot on not retorting.

If you ask me there is no way that you were disabled in a previous life, because you are just too lucky in this one.

Spurs message boards used to be awash with people that slagged you off left right and centre. And now because of the media that you have received over the last few days, the same people have formed the siege mentality and started backing you. And how can the board sack you now? It will just smack of bowing to newspaper pressure.

A. Hoddle and Roache in an attempt at reverse physcology (spelling?) and getting the boo boys on side

B. The board of THFC trying to fire a broadside across Hoddle’s bowl to buck his ideas up and then finding their cannon backfiring.

I still believe Hoddle has to go, simply because he can’t cut the mustard as a manager. He will now for the reasons I outlined above, get another season in charge and the rent money in the biscuit tin to boot.

Good luck Glenn you really are going to need it because I strongly believe that it will be luck not judgment that sees you through next season.

Well as someone very poignantly pointed out the other night on the Topspurs message board “Teddy Sherringham is Teddy Sherringham through and through”

Like all footballers they are for themselves not the clubs. Long gone are the days of Mabbutt, Brooking et all.

I have no problem with players being in it for themselves, so would I be. What I have a problem with is when they try and portray this myth that they are something else, some sort of fan made good, Shearer’s another one.

This is what Ted done when he came back from Manure. He came back because he loved the club…. Bollocks did he. He came back for his pension and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

If he loved Spurs that much, he wouldn’t have left in the first place would he?.

Bobby Robson made me laugh the other day when he was quoted as saying he couldn’t understand why Spurs would let Ted go.

Well if indeed he did say that (remember the story was in The Sun) then come on Sir ‘lovely old cuddly, he’s just like yer favourite grandad’ Robson. You take him on at Newcash and pay him £42,000 a week.

You can back yer bollocks to a barn dance that Sherringham won’t be playing in the champion’s league looking like a barcode next season.

Newcastle in the CHAMPIONS league…… one Fairs cup to their name, the mind boggles. That’s not a dig at Newcastle by the way, more aimed at the state of World football. Not that I’d get any e mails of complaint from the North east. They still wave pitch forks at planes in the sky up there. fuck knows what they would make of computers.

Anyway… Ted to finish on a positive note. Many thanks for the great enjoyment you have brought to my little life watching you for Spurs and England. You were a great footballing servant to us and the nation and you have to be respected for that.

Please remember the high esteem you are held in, amongst the fans at Spurs when the scum press ‘come a knocking’ for a story on the state of the club. Apologies if I appear to have been too critical of your second stint at Spurs. As we have both been known to frequent Blue Mondays bar from time to time, I’ll buy you a beer as a peace offering…..thats if you don’t tell me to peace off!!!

Sunday games…. Having a mortgage and two kids means that I have a wife that works part time to bring in a few extra shekels for things like family holidays etc. One of her work days is a Sunday, so I’m therefore reliant on a very kind mother in law and sister in law for baby sitting duties. However my father in law has just undergone some major surgery and his recovery from this is slow to say the least, and will need some looking after. This has meant that my Sunday baby sits will have to ‘go west’.

This season we must have had about six or seven Sunday matches at least, and I can’t see next season being any different, it’s a no brainer buying a season ticket, and then not being able to get to the Sunday games.

We have had yet another poor season IMHO, so tickets for games next season, on a match to match basis won’t exactly be gold dust will they!

This means I will be able to get to games on Saturdays and jog on the Sunday ones

So well done Mr Murdoch and co at Sky, your pissing about with the traditional ‘when Saturday comes’ football we all used to know and love, has robbed a club of another season ticket holder.

We have seen Manure fans march on the capital in protest of all the Sunday games, and 12.30 Saturday games they have had to put up with this season, and I commend them for coming up from Cornwall to stage this protest…. In all seriousness though, this shit with Sky has got to be addressed because most people who have had to give up their season ticket because of these queer times that games are played, usually succumb to the temptation, and end up using their season ticket money saved, to pay for sky sports, and therein compounding the problem

I ended up watching the Man City game on Good Friday well and truly blotto! This probably made me the most sensible fan in the ground. As watching that sober must have been painful.

The combination of a sunny day and far too many pitchers of Stella Artois in ‘The Park’ (that’s the pub, not a public park; boozing like a dosser on a bench, although I have had my moments!!)

Most people are happy with a pot of chow mein from the chinky when they have had a booze, but not me, I have to buy a dog…well I suppose there is a certain similarity between buying chow mein and buying a dog J

Regency Fleur AKA lilywhite lane, had a run at the Stow on Thursday night, and I took the family to see her. It was a great experience and very exciting. The adrenalin really starts to pump when your dogs in the trap and the hare starts to run. She came a very respectable Third; she’s only young and hasn’t really started any proper training yet, and will come good.

It’s a long time since I felt like I did Thursday night, on a Saturday/Sunday afternoon/Monday night, or any other time Murdoch sees fit for Spurs to play. I think I’ve found a little niche in which to spend this years £510!!

I HAVE A GOOD NEWS SPURS STORY…. One to warm the cockles of yer heart, gord bless yer guv, gor blimey, luv a duck etc etc

After my reports on the poor treatment of my pal’s son on the tour of White Hart Lane (see last editorial) I have received this e mail

I am writing to balance (a little) your tale of woe of April 17th re: the school outing to WHL. Last year, we were on holiday in London (I live in

Greece

) and I was determined take my son, a lifelong Spurs fan, on the tour. We were held up in traffic and arrived at WHL too late. The receptionist, whose name sadly I can't recall, offered to take us round later that day during her free time. We were shown everything - trophy room, board conference room, bars, home dressing room etc... We were then taken onto the pitch and even sat in Ghod's seat! During all this, our guide was unstintingly helpful and cheerful. To cap it all, at the end of the tour, she refused to take any payment. We left the ground with a warm glow and proud to be Spurs fans.

Well done that receptionist. I’m very proud of you, and for being so helpful and customer orientated, can you please do a stint in the ticket office, where your good grace and charm will soon be knocked out of you. You will then fit in nicely with the rest of the personality bypasses that work at THFC!!!!!!

Many thanks to Steve Bradley, for bringing this good news story to my attention. I hope that I have addressed the balance somewhat.

Welcome again to my daily editorial…….oh sorry it’s been 11 days since the last instalment

Speaking to a work pal of mine the other day, and he tells me that his lad and the rest of his class went on the White Hart Lane tour, a couple of weeks back.

The coach rolls into White Hart lane stadium in the morning ready for what was billed as a full day’s entertainment touring the ground.

The kids (many in Spurs shirts) are met by what was described as a ‘disinterested’ female representative of the club.

The tour begins, no showing them round any trophy rooms (cue the e mails about you aint got any cups)

The kids are then shown round the away dressing room. The kids then ask if they can see the home dressing room, they were told no “there are personal items in the home dressing room, and visitors are not allowed in”

When asked what was in there that cannot be seen, the reply was “football boots and shin pads”

The young kids were warned that under no circumstances were they allowed to go on the pitch, and then to enforce this rule a large group of stewards were stationed along the pitch edge to keep order, just in case a class of 9 year olds kicked off!!!

Everyone in the group was then given a work sheet with math puzzles, which involved going to three or four certain seats and then adding up the seat numbers.

This took a few minutes to complete, and the kids then re grouped with their teachers on the pitch edge waiting for this sniffy female guide to return (she had said that she needed to go away to complete some paper work for a few minutes).

An hour later she turns up, and said “oh sorry I completely forgot you were here”

The tour guide then started to usher the group back out to the car park, explaining that their coaches were ready to take them home. A teacher pointed out that the group had not had their packed lunch yet, and that the coaches were not due to depart until 2pm (it was at this time about twelve thirty)

But this didn’t cut any ice with the tour guide, and she packed them off onto the coach explaining that they couldn’t have their lunch at the ground.

The kids then had to sit on the coach for an hour to have lunch, and then headed home.

My friend tells me that some of these impressionable younguns on the coach vowed not to support Spurs anymore; such was their disappointment with the way they were treated.

This isn’t the first time I have heard horror stories about this tour. From what I hear, pictures of Rsol adorn the walls of some of the corridors. And when asked why they are still up, it was explained by that days tour guide, that he is still classed as a ‘Spurs legend’. Some staff at the club have Scum memorabilia on their desk in full view of visitors, and so on, and so on.

In a day and age when kids are lured to the dark side of north London all to easily, do we really need to give these future season ticket holders and club shop customers, a helping push??

I do hope that someone of influence hears of these tales, and gets something sorted…. Fast.

I am of course talking about a slide in the fortunes of the South London nomads. This week has seen Ashburton Grove go tits up, and rumours abound that the scummers have been financially hit hard by this monument to their own puffed belief that they are a big European club.

No good dirty midfield red card loving schlaaaag viera, getting a knock and looking doubtful the rest of the season,unfortunately it isn’t life threatening.

And then as Del boy would say the ‘crème de menthe’ came in the form of Judas getting rumped by Ruud ‘hmmm you look a bit like Robbie Jackson’ van Nistalwhatever for manures first goal…. And then getting sent off. And if the card is up held; missing the cup final.

A large convoy of untaxed white transits towing caravans from Highbury and the pitch covered in old mattresses and gas bottles.

Carrying on the subject of the pikeys moving, I heard on closet gooner Richard Kauffman’s talk sport show, that talks between the bosses at Wembley, Spurs and the scum, have taken place with the view to us and them becoming tenants. This is a story that will not go away, and tosser Kauffman claims that it came from a high up, inside source within the Wembley management team.

If the current custodians of our great club namely ENIC dare even put their heads above the parapet on this one, they better book into the same hotel as Saddam.

And Mr Paul Kemsley, when I asked you at the last questions and answers meeting “would the club look to ground share with the scum, yes or no?” you very firmly said “no”…… I hope you are a man of your word sir.

Relegation fodder Bolton, were made to look world class by Spurs and yet again we see our once great team go down away, to bottom three cack.

Like I said in my kicker headline it could only happen to spurs. Bolton have thrown away about twelve points this season in the last five minutes, enter the clowns and what happens they win a game in the last minute. Faaaaacks sake.

Doherty was lucky not to get nicked for assault when he made the tackle that gave the penalty away, and when Bolton converted from the spot, I have to admit that I laughed Ian walker style. You get to a point when you stop getting angry, and you are in such disbelief that it becomes perversely comical.

So apologies to our ex goalie, for that day when the ball bobbled over you versus Blackburn and you gave a rye smile, I really did let you have it both barrels. I can now see where you are coming from.

This run of it can only happen to spurs (although there are many fans of many clubs who probably feel the same) has been going for some time now and looks likely to continue next week.

We saw John Gregory take charge of Derby in his first game against us, he got the club announcer to ‘pump up the volume’ gee’d the crowd up and Derby came out and shoed us. Had we played them at any other time of the season we could have been confident of a result.

It always seems that whenever a player is making his debut against us they pop up with a goal

Joe Max Moore formerly of Everton comes to mind, I’m sure there’s many more.

So next week when we go to Leeds it will be a different story to if we had gone three or four weeks earlier. They demolished Charlton yesterday and are under the stewardship of a new manager and chairman that the players now seem to want to play for.

Leeds win yesterday reminded me very much of the day we went to Wimbledon needing a win to stay out of the relegation bun fight, with ‘fat aussie wanker’ Viduka playing the role of our Jurgen.

This was a win that papered over the cracks more than a whole series of changing rooms.

Our under pressure manager said of the game “we played well for ten minute spells and deserved the win”

Fair do’s in the first half we had a lot of the ball. But no final go for the throat killer instinct.

The second half was a different story where we under the cosh from the mighty Birmingham for long spells and had do some goal mouth clearing to stay in the game. At best we deserved a draw and to think Brum had a few key players out as well it doesn’t look good does it.

So Glenn these ten minute spells we played well for….. Can you see if we can put nine of them in a row next week please?

Well as you may have guessed match reports ECT aint my thing. So I’ll go through the rest of what was a good day yesterday.

A good meet in the Irish Centre, with plenty of topspurs regulars in attendance. Nice to meet Geordie Yid who I instantly warmed to, as he laughed at my stories and jokes!!!

Not such a good day for my non topspurs pal Bill Smith (the Mark lemarr look a likey) he bought the Liverpool performance yesterday and then sat with me and watched them get demolished 4-0 by Manure. So like all good punters he chased his dough in the National and lumped on the 66-1 shot Wonder Weasel. At half time he watched the hapless donkey fall at the third fence. Still you have to feel sorry for the poor lamb, he must now be down to his last four or five hundred grand.

We have the now well publicised Hoddle out Souness in story, which was insider info from Talksport’s Breakfast tub o lard Alan Brazil….. Can’t say I would be unhappy to see Hoddle go but if it’s Souness in for him, I live with Hoddle for a while longer thanks.

The boy Gray at Palace has come to my ears a couple of times now too, so we’ll see what happens there.

An inquiry about a South American plying his trade in Spain is also under way. He’s warming the bench at his current club and would come to us a replacement for the either outgoing Ziege or Ethers or maybe both, after all we are the masters of flogging two and bringing in one or none to replace. As for the club he is currently at it would be unpro-fesh-nal to say they were called Real Madrid oooops.

However the shock story of the week came to me last night from a very reliable source.

The little birdie tells me that Spurs have been watching Ryman’s league power-house striker Sal Abdullah, who plays for Leyton F.C.

My man in the know tells me that the lad is Turkish Delight cos he’s full of ‘East end promise’ and Spurs aren’t the only club to have a spy at the last couple of Leyton games who are based on the Lea Bridge Road E10.

So get yourself down the club shop ladies and gents and get Abdullah on the back of your shirt as I hear he wants to come to us over the other clubs watching. He would relish playing up front with Keane at the club he has supported from a boy

Word has reached me that our esteemed chairman believes that there are Spurs fans that will only be happy when Spurs fail……. Errrrrhhhh????

I attended my first spurs game in Oct 1976 my Dad took me and we played Birmingham.

I took my place amongst the 20,193 the atmosphere was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was like you could touch it. I remember seeing grown men, as the team came out, cheer and clap and get worked up like they were my age (seven).

The game finished 1-0 (Osgood pen) I was inconsolable, bollocks a spurs victory I wasn’t very happy I can tell you.

But my finest hour was yet to come. The end of this season saw us relegated, joy of joys a Spurs failure I couldn’t have been happier.

Well down the years I’ve seen many ups like the League cup final defeats to Liverpool and Blackburn

And of course many downs like the crushing three one victory over Arsenal in the 91 semi

The F.A Cup victories over Man city, QPR and Forest and that penalty save by Tony Parkes to bring European glory to White Hart Lane was particularly harrowing.

So as you can imagine this season has been great, the disappointment of seeing us around the top six and pushing near to the top four and champions league, to the joy of travelling for hours up to Burnley in the pissing rain and seeing us humiliated. Then the glorious 4-0 defeat to the mighty Soton in the F.A cup.

In the league things have just got better and better, the sheer delight of seeing Robbie Keane limp off.

The smile was wiped off my face for a while because I remembered back to the club statement, saying that no one had been purchased in the last transfer window, but the squad was deep enough to cope with our push towards a European spot.

But then in came the Doc for Robbie.oh how I danced and whooped when I then saw that a steady as you go defender was deemed sufficient cover for Robbie Keane, I knew then a slide down the league would be inevitable.

I couldn’t be happier especially as I parted with only £500 to witness all this. And of course having a wife, two kids and a mortgage (you got one of them Danny?) five hundred knicker is always floating about down the back of the sofa.

But I won’t renew next year unless you take away another cup game put the price up to £700 and give me some guarantees of relegation.

The people that revel in spurs failure are called Arsenal…. Red and white shirts play at Highbury. But then you’d know that, seeing how you fork out for a season ticket over there

Sugar got absolutely monstered for calling Tottenham Hotspur; Tottenham HotspurS.

So be careful Danny boy because you can accuse spurs fans of being fickle you can accuse spurs fans of wanting everything yesterday.

BUT DON’T YOU DARE EVER ACCUSE A REAL SPURS FAN OF WANTING TO SEE OUR CLUB FAIL.

And that’s a worry really. I’ve just come to expect this mediocrity now, we’re no longer a big club I’ve accepted this and these sorts of performances are what mid table teams are about. Win some weeks, lose others, a little up, and near Europe, two games and six dropped points later, we’re ‘mid table van dross’ (brother of Luther??).

Due to one thing and another and a load of traffic, my good neighbour John Bray didn’t get his car carrying four of us parked at the Angel till 3pm. Was we bothered, was we fuck. A casual stroll down the High Road which also took in a stop at Muck Donalds for two of the gang to get ice cream, and I ended up in my seat at 3:20pm, and I hadn’t missed a thing.

When you hear a team sheet with the Doc up front again it doesn’t really warrant a rapid waddle to the ground does it. Now I have nothing against the Doc. I have spoken to him a couple of times and he’s is a very nice bloke, but like what Pleat said about missing out on Ricketts “he aint no Ronaldo”

The game came and went, and I’m no sports journo, so forget any sort of match report, as I’m sure you can guess what the game was like for yourselves, you may have even had the misfortune of being there.

When that final whistle went, I just shuffled out. No boo’s, or kicking the credit card sign up stand, I had known for a few days that I would be coming away from Tottenham witnessing a defeat.

Being a Tottenham fan has always been about dreaming of the big time. A near top of the league finish (see I don’t even want to win it yet) and playing ‘The Tottenham way’. You sometimes find yourself daydreaming; being sat on a bar terrace in Barcelona having a few san Miguel’s and tapas and counting down the hours till you head off with the boys you go football with and file into the Camp Neu to watch THFC take on the mighty Barca on warm Med evening.

Go on shut your eyes and try to see it ……….. No nor can I at the moment. I used to be able to see it but the way things are now all I can see is trudging away from Gay meadow or Spotland after going out the cup on a wet windy Wednesday night.

You can always tell a gooners house in a street as opposed to a yiddo’s, (ha ha ha mr bates and dein you won’t stop me).

The gooner’s house will be a ramshackle run down affair with leaky gutters, flaking windowsills and half a Cortina in the overgrown front garden. Where as the yid’s house looks like the extremist wing of the ‘Titmarsh paramilitary army’ has been at work; manicured lawns, clean windows, and a freshly glossed front door.

This is because our over confident neighbours are playing a match every two days (or so it seems) while we seem to get a month between ours. So while your gooner neighbour is enjoying an afternoon at the library, you are ‘enjoying’ an afternoon walking round B & Q, and then up a ladder doing a bit of DIY.

Perhaps I’ve actually hit upon the reason why the red rabble have taken off and are flying in three competitions, while we sweat on a top half finish.

Arsenal fans, are as we all know ‘pikeys’ (yeah send as much hate mail as you like) while spurs fans are fussy and clean living.

So when we get to White Hart Lane and take our seats (unless you are block 32!) and the game begins, we start thinking “hmmm didn’t get them begonia’s in flower bed today and that slipped tile isn’t going to mend itself”.

This anxiety must then transmit itself to the team, who then pick up on this and start losing a bit of confidence, leading to an opposition goal and subsequently a loss of three points or an early exit from the cup.

Where as the gooner, doesn’t care about the caravan site he lives on, sits in Highbury, with not a care in the world, and transmits only positive supportive vibes to his team. Hey presto win after win, and cup after cup.

It’s either this theory that is the answer, or Hoddle isn’t the messiah we all thought he was.

Shame on you for nutting Savage in the eye…………… the nose would have been a much better target and caused much more damage.

In this life Mr Savage you reap what you sow, you want to run round week in week out sticking your fingers near the fire it’s inevitable that you are going to sometimes get burnt.

And the same to you Terry Henry, I don’t condone coin throwing at games, but blimey fella it isn’t as if you don’t wind the opposition fans up is it, and everyone knows that in a crowd of 35,000 plus you are always going to get one or two individuals who didn’t get more than one d grade GCSE in woodwork.

How ironic that in the week that Arsenal and Chelsea condemn Tottenham Hotspur for being racist thugs, they play each other and a black Arsenal player is coined by Chelsea fans that have notoriety and reputation for their right wing sympathies. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw coins!

Comedy moment of the week comes courtesy of the car cleaners who work the car park of Macro cash and carry in ponders end/Enfield.

There is about six of them, they all wear blue boiler suits (how very Tottenham boys we are here) and red bobble hats which were complete with spurs cockerel on the front of them.

“You can’t be spurs and Arsenal it’s like being a Jewish Muslim” I argued

I think I’ve finally met the lad who writes the diary of a die hard column in spurs monthly

Yeah a new campaign that’s what we need, I’m starting it and it’s called ‘let’s kick Dein and Bates out of football’.

Loosely based on the ‘lets kick racism out of football’ campaign, it’s aimed at those fuckwits in the football community that think they are furthering the cause but actually making things much worse.

Think about it, the chairman of Arsenal Football Club has turned round and said that spurs fans chanting yiddos yiddos yiddos gets up his nose!!!........’Ohhh allrite, David me old son, sorry about that of course we won’t chant that anymore, promise, honest guv’.

You just couldn’t get a bigger red rag waving at the proverbial bull could you, and I’m surprised that there hasn’t been a queue of spurs season ticket holders, as long as a list of questions to Daniel Levy outside the bespoke Tailors on Stamford Hill high road, all clambering to get decked out in the long black macs, Trilbies and prayer shawls; knowing that it gets up his nose.

The chanting of course will now become even more frequent around White Hart Lane and therefore the racism in Dein’s eyes even worse.

For Papa smurf to come out with such nonsense is de-rigor (spelling?) he must be what 187 years old now, senility has kicked in and massive debt can become a real psychological burden, but Mr Dein, shame on you sir, I thought you had a little more savvy than that spouting such utter bollocks.

Well Mr Dein I have a couple of questions for you, if you feel Spurs fans are such a racist bunch

1. When David Rocastle the BLACK ARSENAL that’s BLACK and ARSENAL player, tragically succumb to cancer, there was a minute silence at the next Arsenal home game in honour of the said player, the minutes silence was impeccably observed by the away fans that day. Tell me David, who was those away fans?

2. If Spurs fans are such utter racist scum, you will therefore now make no approach to our Chairman for us to come and ground share with you at Ashburton Grove and thus dig you out of your £100 million pound debt that this new stadia will cause, will you?

So Mr Dein, if you reading this (and I do have it on good authority that he is a devoted long standing fan of my column) perhaps you would care to drop me a line via my e mail address at the top of the page…..oh to save you scrolling up…

A few months ago I wasn’t really getting the most out of my computer I was switching it on turning up the brightness on the monitor and using it as a lamp...With thanks to Harry Hill for that gag

Now look no hands, all my own work web page on the Topspurs website, someone phone Microsoft and tell that Eric Gates fella I’m coming for his job.

Well I would really like to thank Jim for the offer of writing on the site in the full gaze of the public away from the safety net of the message board. There is a trust and responsibility that comes with an opportunity like this and I fully intend to abuse it to the hilt.

West Ham away for me this year had a special significance, as we had a great chance to compound their misery and nail another err nail in their claret and blue coffin.

My hate for West Ham is deeply rooted in my childhood. (I’m beginning to sound like Michael Jackson talking to Bashir) At school in Romford back in the early eighties, every other kid in the school was a Hammers fan and of course being a spurs fan you was gonna get it big style.

Back in the day the Bubble blowers had a bit of an Indian sign over the spurs (cue the difference between Jim and I as he would bring you load of 80’s match stats where as I’m just asking you to believe me) so my misery was nearly always twice a season (and one year the cup to boot). On the odd occasion that we did rump them over the next day would be worse, a West Ham loss would be avenged in the playground with a few kicks and slaps. Things were so bad that I remember a few kids switching allegiance from spurs to Wham just for the quiet life.

So Saturday for me was supposed to be an afternoon on the shrinks couch exercising demons from my past, it ended up being an early District Line train from Upton Park.

I hear that at the last PSG home match the disgruntled fans unveiled a banner across the whole of one stand that read “THE LEVEL OF YOUR MEDIOCRITY IS ONLY MATCHED BY OUR ANGER” now not exactly ‘George Davis is innocent ok’ (ask your dad he’ll tell you who he was) but it gets the point over that the fans aren’t happy. So let me tell you Glenn I’ve already sewn 12 plain white sheets together and next week I’m buying a job lot of paint and two big poles…. Pull your finger out.

Talking of French eloquence versus plain old British straight talk, I remember a story when Gross had just left spurs for pastures new and a journo was asking members of the first team what they thought of the Tube traveller. First up was Ginola who explained that it was like living with a woman that you no longer love “you go through ze motions of taking breakfast together in ze morning and sitting opposite each other looking like any other relationship, but in your art (heart for those who can’t read in a French accent) you know zat its over.

Then up steps Ian Walker journo asks him the same “what did you think of Herr Gross”

That’s it for now first attempt and all that if you have any comments or queries please feel free to e mail me on the address at the top of the page.

Disclaimer: Please note the words on this page are the opinion of Spurs supporters and are just that, opinions, not facts and are nothing to do with Tottenham Hotspur Football club PLC. Just a supporter having his say, nothing more nothing less

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