In
the beginning…
1886: Gooner Stench. Formed from
leftovers and crap in South Londona good 4 years after
Spurs we born, Dial Square as they were originally known
played their first match on a field with an open sewer
running through the middle – the stench remains an
integral part of them to this day
1887: Early end. After being
battered 2-1 in the first match between Spurs and Arsenal,
Arsenal cried to the ref to get the game abandoned with
15 minutes to play, which it was – although Spurs
were the moral winners, and have been ever since.
1913: INVASION OF NORTH LONDON. Henry
Norris was a west london real estate
agent who dreamed of challenging the dominance of
Northern and midlands clubs in the English League early
in the last century. Norris, who later became mayor of
Fulham, a Conservative member of parliament and earned a
knighthood as well as a lifetime ban from soccer,
believed that if he merged ailing Woolwich Arsenal of
south London with Fulham in west London his dream of a London
super-club could take shape. But the League blocked his
proposals, so he cut his ties with Fulham, gambled all on
Arsenal, a terrible personal
finance move, and moved them across the RiverThames
and north to the wide-open spaces of Highbury. The only
trouble with this plan was that the new stadium was close
to the established homes of Tottenham three miles north
and Clapton Orient, two miles east. Despite Spurs and
Orient's protests, the League was powerless to prevent
the move
and in 1913 the North London rivalry between Arsenal-Spurs
began. If Tottenham were upset about Arsenal moving on to
their doorstep, they had even more reason to be angry six
years later, for Sir Henry wasn't finished with Spurs.
1919:
Get Spurs relegated and Arsenal promoted from 6th
position - In 1915, when Football ended because
of World War One, Chelsea and Spurs had finished bottom
of the first division and Arsenal were sixth in Division
two. The League planned to expand the first division by
two clubs and precedent dictated that the two bottom
clubs would stay up and the top two in the second
division would join them. Sir Henry had other ideas. To
this day the details of exactly what occurred at the
league's meeting in March 1919 remains a mystery, but by
the end of the day, Arsenal had been voted into the first
division and Spurs voted out. Arsenal have never been out
of the top flight since.
1919: Parrot Killers
- Spurs embarked on a tour of South America (Argentina
& Uruguay) in 1909. The boat journey either way to Argentina
was fairly long. One of the distractions provided for the
passengers on the way home was a fancy dress competition.
It was actually won by two of the Spurs' players dressed
as Robinson Crusoe and Man Friday. The ship had a parrot
and they had borrowed it as one of their props. As a result
the parrot was presented to the club (or the two players)
by the ship's captain. And yes it isclaimed that the bird
died on the day the dirty deed took place in 1919, which
saw Arsenal replace Spurs in the first division. It has
been suggested in some quarters that this was the origin
of the phrase "as sick as a parrot"! Add Parrot
murderers to their list of crimes
1923: Get Gillespie Road
station renamed - The Gooner scum also managed
to get Gillespie Road station renamed to Arsen*l station
by some dodgy dealings with London Transport and the
local council. A wrong that should be righted as soon as
they move to their unconverted rubbish dump at Ashburton
Grove.
1924: Druggie cheats
– More tales of Gooners up to no good with manager
Leslie Knighton admitting giving performance enhancing
drugs to his shit players during their unsuccessful 1924
FA Cup run.
1927: Help Spurs get
relegated – Rumours that they did not play
their best in certain matches to ensure Spurs were
relegated
1929: Justice for the First
of the Gooners - Henry Norris – a lifetime ban from
Football – too little too late - Sir Henry
got his come-uppance. In 1929 the FA banned him from
soccer because he constantly flouted their rules and was
also suspected of making illegal payments to players. A
year after he was banned, Arsenal won the FA Cup for the
first time and in 1931 became the first London side to
win the Championship. Tottenham, meanwhile, spent most of
the 1930s in the second division -- their glory days
still in the future
1929: Herbert’s Legacy
– Ex Spur Herbert Chapman managed to get some of the
Spurs Lilywhite into their kit by making the sleeves
white – but his other efforts to weaken Arsenal
failed as they won the league a couple of times under his
control
1968: Bob Wilson – Oriental spy
1971: George Graham - claimed a goal in
some cup final or other that he blatantly did not get
anywhere near to touching
1974: Don Howe – Criminally Insane
individual
1979: Alan Sunderland
- "and you're just a murderer, Sunderland"
1979: Peter Story - jail for running a
brothel
1980: Peter Story - jail again, this
time for counterfeit gold coins
1981: Kenny Sansom – played for England
1987: Paul Vassen - Drug stuff
1988: Paul Davis -
breaking Glenn Cockerill's jaw during a first division
game
1989: Paul Merson and Steve
Bould are "disciplined by Arsenal"
after late night incident at sponsor's function.
1989: Arsenal are fined £20,000 by FA
for part in brawl during game against Norwich
1990: Peter Story - jail again - this
time for porn smuggling conviction
1990: Merson, Groves, Winterburn & Richardsonsent
home from club tour of Singapore following another
alleged "late night incident".
1990: Arsenal fined £50,000 by FA and
docked two points after Old Trafford brawl. The Club in
turn fined manager George Graham two
weeks wages after holding him responsible for lack of
discipline on the field.
1990: Tony Adams - Jailed on drunk-driving
charges.
1991: Paul Merson, Ian Wright and David Seaman
charged by FA with misconduct after incidents at end of
first division match at Oldham.
1982: Lee Dixon – played for
England, and even Adams used to sing “if Dixon plays
for England so could I” to him in training
1993: Andy Linaghan makes anti Semitic
remarks to Jewish Taxi driver
1993: Ian Wright banned for three games
after FA commission upheld charge that he had directed a
punch at Tottenham's David Howells during game at White
Hart Lane. Commission also fine George Graham£500
for improper remarks to referee Alf Bush after same match.
1994: Paul Merson, probably for a bet or
when he was pissed, was sent to drug addiction clinic
1994: David Seamen dumped his Mrs and
Kids for some floozy
1994: George Graham's £430,000 bungs
first reported
1995: Ray Parlour arrested after punch-up
with Hong Kong taxi-driver on a club tour
1995: Graham found guilty by FA inquiry
and banned from football for 12 months.
1995: David Hillier charged by police
for credit card and luggage theft at airport.
1996: Donkey Adams confesses to his
teammates that he is an alcoholic (and then puts his arm
round them telling them they are his best mate).
1996: Nigel Winterburn under
investigation by the FA after the police reported him to
match officials for making inflammatory gestures towards
rival supporters in the wheelchair section
1996: Ian Wright (again) on an FA
Misconduct charge for calling Sheffield Wednesday manager
David Pleat a pervert.
1996: Arsenal players involved in half-time
scuffle with Coventry players in the tunnel & Ian
Wright smashes and badly breaks Coventrygoalkeeper
Steve Ogrizivic's nose
1996. Unfounded & completely untrue
rumours circulated about Arsene Wenger being
a paedophile! which he most certainly is not.
1998: From the repulsive JVC, they are
now sponsored by the Italian word for Wank, Sega.
Apparently “Arsenal” means something disgusting
in most languages
1998: Dutch winger Glenn Helder
attempted suicide after becoming a compulsive gambler
whilst at Scumbury
1999: Despite "New" Arsenal,
they still have the worst disciplinary record in
the league
1999: Ian Wright Chicken tonight advert
1999: Graham Rix - Old Gooner
instincts die hard, as he joins the rest of his former
team mates inside for a spot of under age sex
1999: Sheffield United in
the Cup scandal - Typical example of their
cheating ethos. It was the 5th round, it was 1-1. A Sheff
United striker had gone down after a Grimandi challenge
and the ball was cleared, eventually coming through to
the United keeper and, as Bergkamp closed in, the keeper
cleared into touch so his team-mate could receive
treatment. There followed a break while the United man
got treatment, and was substituted. Parlour then took the
throw, but rather than give it back to United, as almost
all honourable sportsmen will do, he threw it to Kanu who
passed it to Overmars who scored the winner. Evil and
wicked
2000: Patrick Vieira
sent off twice in the space of 2 games for violent
conduct.
2000: Arsene Wenger charged with charged
with threatening behaviour and physical intimidation of
fourth official Paul Taylor
2001: Ray Parlour illegal parking of a
caravan
2001: Monkey Keown assault charge during
a game with Leeds
2001: Vieira sent off to 8th
time – although to be fair he was having a
go at Dennis Wise
2001: Silvinho sold for possessing too
much flair, Stepanovs, Grimandi, Luzhny breathe a sigh of
relief
2001: Monkey Keown pretends
to be elbowed to get Hasselbaink sent off
2001: Vieira - cheats to win
a penalty against Shalke
2001: Gooner Bin Laden
– The world most wanted man is revealed as
a Gooner
2001: Pires –
caught spitting at Kevin Muscat during a France match
2001: Planning permission
for New Scumbury – Years after the Gillespie
Road station naming fiasco, the Goons are in league with
Islington Council to get planning permission to move to
the council rubbish dump. No hint of wrong doing at all
as the stadium gets the go-ahead despite:
-
Safety concerns at the North end of the complex,
-
Real jobs replaced by McJobs as 1,000’s of jobs at
risk as the incumbent business have to move
-
Transportation problems already present on match days to
double with the increased capacity (assuming they can
fill it)
-
SSSI Gillespie Park to be ruined by Bovine Goons going too
and from the match.
2002:
Goon Prince – Well known Goon Prince Harold
has done his level best to make the rest of the goons
proud of him by having an underage drink & drugs
problem. All he needs now is to develop a gambling
problem (which should not be too difficult considering
him relatives) and he’ll be a ringer for a young
Merson.
2002: Ticket investigation
– Parlour was at the centre of an investigation as
to how his complimentary tickets ended up in the hands of
touts. Police were alerted by the increased number of
caravans within the vicinity of the stadium.
2002: Mockney Twat
– Jamie Oliver confirmed as a Gooner – all
those people you really hated – all goons, the lot
of em!
2002: Puddin' Alert
– Semen lets England down against Brazil in the
World Cup
2002: Start as you mean to
go on – Diving Ashley Cole gets a Birmingham
player sent off. Goons win against 10 men
2002: Puddin’ Alert (2) –
Semen & RSol lets England down against Macedonia in
the European Championships
2002: Start as you mean to
go on (2) – Diving Ashley Cole gets Davies
sent off at Scumbury
2003: Reg Hollis – Serially Dull TV
copper admits he is a goon to no-one’s surprise
2003: Prostitute Pennant
– Step mum of young goon is a £60 hooker according
to the People newspaper
2003: Beast is a Gooner
– One of the ugliest women ever to lumber around the
planet, Eastenders Sonia Jackson has admitted she is goon
which is hardly surprising.
2003: Sex offender Goon
– Goon youth team player Marcus Artry jailed for 9
years for sex attacks, inc on minors
2004: Sad Man
– Record new signing Reyes declares “I am the
saddest man” on hearing he is going to be a Goon and
tries to fit in by scoring a spectacular own goal Dixon
would be proud of to knock the Goons out of the League
Cup in his first game
2004: Cheating Goons and the
non penalty – For the first time in history
a referee changes a decision because of player protests
and it comes as no surprise to see that the goons are the
beneficiaries against Fulham
2004: Graham Stack on Rape
charge – Another Goon in trouble with the
old bill
2005: Reyes and the bad men
– Less than a year after joining, Reyes is duped
into revealing his desperation to leave Arsenal because
of all the “bad men” in a radio wind up.
2005: Pennant banged up – More
goons in trouble, this time Jermaine Pennant is locked up
for three months for the age old Scumbury tradition of
drink driving & crashing motors
2005: Saint Ashley – After the
Goons got away with the whole tapping up inquiry as the
victims with no one mentioning RSol and his defection,
poor old Ashley Cole, England’s worst left back
since Winterburn and Sansom, decided to sell his story to
the press - but only on the condition that he gets to
wear and keep a Prada suit for free, along with a fee for
the interview - all on top of his £50k a week salary. In
the midst of all this wealth and pampering, Cole did find
time to wear a "make poverty history" wristband
- so that's ok then
2005: Another day... another set of
allegations of rape and murder from the ranks of Scumbury.
First Robin Van Persie has a night in the Rotterdamslammer
after a rape allegation and former Goon Davor "Cock"
Suker has his collar felt related to the murder of his
former business partner
2006: Nasty German... poor
man’s Oliver Kahn, Jan Lehmann gets a visit from
Northern Old Bill after he allegedly kicks a bottle at
prawn sarnie chomping Man U fans
2006: “Arsenal support
Apartheid” reads the Guardian Headline. Arsenal have
reportedly signed a deal to promote Israel, a country
which denies Palestinians human rights (including
allowing Palestinian footballers to attend world cup
qualifiers) and is illegally occupying Palestinian
territory. It goes against the very principles of anti-racism
which it notionally supports through 'Kick Racism Out of
Football Campaign'. Wenger is in a glass-house when he
accuses Pardew of racism.
2006: More racism. This time
its Van Persie racially abusing Manchester City defender
David Sommeil
2006: Dodgy. Spurs forced to
play the Champions League play decider with an ill side
2007: More Dodgy. Lots of
dodgy goings on as Arsenal comeback to beat Wigan with an
offside goal set up by a player who should have been red
carded for a penalty Wigan were not given when 1-0 up
2007: The curse of David
Hillier. The OB report that crime has doubled or
something in the area since Arsenal’s new stadium
move
2007: Brass rubbing. "Arsenal
ace in 6-hooker hotel party" - Page 15 of the Sun.
Rosicky
....the Bentner file...
May 2009: Arsenal flop Bentner
“ stumbled out a London nightclub with his jeans
around his ankles”
Sept 2009: Arsenal misfit Bentner
“Stripped down to his underwear after a high-speed
crash in which he was fortunate to escape with his life”
Sept 2011: Another visit from
Mr Plod for Bentner after a late night incident at the
Gateshead Hilton
Dec 2011: During loan spell
at Sunderland, Bentner arrested for allegedly going
on a £4,000 car-wrecking spree with Lee Cattermole. The
charges were later dropped.
2011: Pack of ‘sweets’
and a cheeky smile. Wenger denies giving dodgy drugs
to Arsenal players click
here
2011: Once a Goon ... Our
old pal Davor "Cock" Suker is at it again ...
he sent a pal off to an antique dealer with a bag of
ancient gold coins, which turned nasty when the shutters
went down and the old bill arrived with flashing blue
lights. It turns out our man, who bore an uncanny
resemblance to Russ Abbot in his playing days, had nicked
them from a seat pocket on a BA flight but plod were
already on the case and had warned all the antique
dealers. The dim goon got an 8000 Euro fine and joins
Peter Storey in the dodgy coin category.
June 2012: Fined £80,000 and
banned for one match after pulling down his shorts to
reveal Paddy Power-branded underwear in a stupid
publicity stunt while playing for Denmark at the European
Championships in 2012.
March 2013: Banned from
driving for three years and fined £100,000 for being
over the legal drink-drive limit after he was spotted by
police in Copenhagen driving against the traffic. Hit
with a six-month playing ban by Denmark.
Nov 2013: Goal shy
striker Bentner arrested on suspicion of criminal damage
at his luxury apartment block.
Nov 2013: More Bentner
Bananas as caught on camera drunkenly begging for
free pizza click
here
2013: Offensive Gesture. Quintessential
graceless Goon Wilshire banned for giving middle finger
to City Fans
2014: Bad chat up line from
Wilshire leads to bird’s Broken Elbow. Click
here
2014: Podolski. Second rate
striker Podolski claims he would rather retire than play
for Spurs, all this despite giving up the chance to play
for the nation of his birth to play for the nation which
tried to destroy it
2014: Quenelle. Former Goons
Anelka & Nasri associated with the "quenelle"
gesture
2015: Retro Goon. Having
stolen our footballing clothes to some extent in the
frustratingly long Wenger dynasty, it is good to know the
old skool goonerspirit is still alive with Paul Merson,
who rekindled memories of the early britpop era by
crashing his car on the M40 with inspector plod feeling
his collar regarding the possibility of drink driving.
Just like the majority of his predictions, earlier that
evening Merson had predicted he’d get him safely
More as it comes in....
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